My Depression Is Killing Me
Updated: Feb 25
If anyone has ever asked me, "what do you most want out of life," the answer has always been "to be happy." Isn't that what everyone wants? Why does it seem so out of reach? My quest for happiness started at the end of 2017. I was in a marriage for convenience. I was watching multiple little children in my home. I was in pain, all of the time. I was overweight. Worst of all, I was depressed. A real joyless, endless experience. I was feeling the worst I'd ever felt. I felt purposeless. I knew that I could not carry on and stay alive. I was dying daily. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Life wasn't magical, life was torture. A series of groundhog day experiences. I wanted to be alone as much as possible. I hated pretending I felt ok. Every morning when I woke up, I would count down the hours until I could crawl back in my bed. I swore to myself, when I was at my lowest that I would do everything I could to help people NOT feel like I was feeling.
I tried everything I knew how to try. I did conventional therapy, I was on medications. I wanted coping skills. I hated feeling like an anxiety attack was constantly chasing me. The only thing that I could find that worked was xanax or other benzodiazapenes. The issue with xanax was that is WAS relief and I thought if one helped, two would help more. That was not the case. It made me slurry and clouded my judgement. I was on a slippery slope, the medicine that helped me could make everything worse if I continued it. The problem was after I took one xanax, I ALWAYS thought it was ok to take more. So I had to stop taking any benzo.
Without the medication, my life felt out of control. If I wasn't trying to keep myself alive, then I was down and out depressed. I was honestly desperate. I was sitting on the floor in the room I watched babies in and I made a decision that day that I would try EVERYTHING I could think of to get better because I felt like life was not enjoyable at all.
I tried meditation around that time. I wasn't sure the point but I had heard it was life-changing. So I tried it. I really didn't think it was doing anything but at least it let me lay down and at that point in my life, that's all I wanted to do. Looking back it was the best decision I ever made.