I love you, sometimes
Unconditional love. It's a big concept. My goal as a parent is to love my children, unconditionally. I used to think, "of course I love my children unconditionally, duh." But do I? Unconditional love is defined as "loving someone unselfishly. Caring about someone's happiness so much that you will do anything, without expecting anything in return. Love without conditions."
Will I do ANYTHING for my children's happiness? The short answer right now is no, but I work on it everyday. I can't feel two emotions at once. If I am angry at my child, I am not expressing unconditional love. My yelling words might say "I love you," but we are all vibrational interpreters, it's how we see, how we hear, how we smell, my vibration is not saying "I love you." My vibration says "I'm irritated with you." When I am in an irritated mood, I can only draw experiences from her that cause me to be irritated.
My children are 11 and 9. I get annoyed with them plenty. Annoyed they don't clean up their rooms, annoyed they have sloppy table manners, annoyed they leave their shit all over the house. Those are my conditions. Why am I teaching them conditional love? Why am I teaching them, I'll only be happy if......I can control your actions. If I can't control you, I will yell. Then I am back to loving my children conditionally.
What is it that causes me to suffer as a parent? Suffering is defined as "experience or be subjected to something bad or unpleasant." Does my child not picking up her wrappers, cause me to suffer? No, the wrappers don't hurt me. They aren't unpleasant, they just are. So why do I feel unpleasant feelings when the wrappers are left behind? It's the thoughts I have about the wrappers. I may think "no one respects me," or "does she think I'm her maid," or "doesn't she see how hard I work to clean the house."
Exploring this idea a bit more, to find the truth of my suffering. It has nothing to do with my daughter. It only has to do with me, and my idea of how I want her to act. I want to control her to clean up after herself. However, the fact that my thoughts were "no one respects me, doesn't she know how hard I work," IS WHAT CAUSES HER TO LEAVE HER WRAPPERS THERE! She doesn't have a choice, she can only respond to my vibrational output and my vibrational output says "I don't expect you to clean up after yourself." The problem is ME, not her. When I clean up my vibration about her cleaning up after herself, she will clean up after herself!
It is so important to me, as a mother, to have children that are well behaved, responsible, helpful and polite. That is what I want as their mother. So how can I teach them properly without trying to control them?
Go easy. Expect the best from them. If I see a behavior I don't like, I can't get lost on it. I can't give it power in my mind. It will just show up more. Your actions and your control will work some, because you are bigger than them. However, my objective is not to teach her to listen to me. The objective is to teach her to listen to herself. When I give her ideas about who she she is, like "you are SO MESSY," it teaches her that's who she is. That's not who my daughter is. My daughter is a kind, thoughtful, loving child. When I treat her like that, even if I don't agree with her, she treats me like a kind, thoughtful, loving mom.
If you stay focused in the present, your life will unfold in magical form. My children may just be the neatest children on the Earth, but until I can be pleased with how they behave right now, they can't give me behavior that is pleasing.
It is negative thoughts only, that literally create the experiences in life that are unpleasing. Even if current reality has a lot of things that are unpleasing (old thoughts) you have to accept it in order to manage the gap before a new reality can fill in. Otherwise you will just keep creating the exact same life.